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How to Be the Object of Chris de Burgh's and/or a Bloodhound's Unbridled Lust
Today I saw this link online: Psssssht, I don't need to click that. What do you think I am, stupid? Common sense steps to achieve this look:Go to a farm or a ranch somewhere, or to the Arctic if you...
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30 Days of Thanks in 30 Seconds
On Facebook this month, my news feed has been full of people doing 30 Days of Thanks, where they express gratitude for something different approximately every 24 hours. Naturally I do not have time for...
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Getting Carded
I don't know why I even bother with Christmas cards, I mean really. [Gulps wine.]To paraphrase that MasterCard commercial:40 fairly twee (but really it was the less...est? of 5 million evils that...
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The Sassy Curmudgeon's Cheap and Easy (Not Like That) Holiday Gift Guide
December is a magical time of year. In New York, the air is crisp; the rats go underground or freeze to death; and the tourist clusterfuck shifts slightly to the northeast, from Times Square to...
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The Big Reveal... That I Basically Already Spoiled With Hints Because I Am...
Please listen to this song while reading the post. Yes, I am being overly dramatic. So what? I never have big news. It happened kind of suddenly, last spring.Sam was only eight months old. I thought,...
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Let's Talk About Book, Baby. Let's Talk About You and Me. Let's Talk About...
So let's talk about this book. (Spinderella cut it up one time! OK, I'll stop.)First of all, thank you--each and every one of you--for your comments and tweets and Facebook messages. I am so...
View ArticleIt's The End of the World as We Know It
A lot of people think the world is going to end tomorrow. You know, the Mayan calendar, the alignment of the planets, John Cusack, aliens, etc.The joke's on us, though, because the world ended last...
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Years Later, She Still Wondered Why She Never Had a Boyfriend in High School
My sister and I spent Hurricane Sandy scanning old photos to make albums for our parents. The payoff was big--both of them shed tears upon opening our gifts (crying is #2 on my list of hoped-for...
View ArticleThe 7 Year Itch
I started this blog seven years ago this month. Seven YEARS. That's almost as long as Lincoln, you guys. (Not that I've seen it. I don't see movies anymore. That kind of fanciness is for people who...
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2013 Golden Globes Fashion Throwdown, Part I
January is the month of SADs. Seasonal Affective Disorder. Secret Afternoon Drinking. Sudden Arm-fat Discovery. Slippers All Day.I'm actually wearing my bunny slippers right now, along with ill-fitting...
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2013 Golden Globes Fashion Throwdown, Part II: The Return of J. Peterman
A few years back I gave Helena Bonham Carter the J. Peterman treatment, and damn if I didn't just drink a bowl of wine and get wistful. My apologies in advance to Mr. Peterman and his inimitable sense...
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Babies Be Trippin
Once upon a time, in a living room far far less covered in desiccated bits of egg and chewed-up crayons, I swore on my stolen HBO Go password that I would not let my sweet baby's eyes fall on a...
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L'Interview (That's INTERVIEW in Fancy)
Yes, I'm pimping my book again. I warned you. But it's Friday, so you're drunk, and you don't care. Stay with me. Eyes up here.Today you can read all about my ass-backwards path to publication, my...
View ArticleOld Married Lady Walks Into A Bar...
On Saturday night I went out. To bars. Plural. This almost never happens.A few years ago, yes, I was flirting with sailors and knocking back watery Buds like a bargain basement bin Carrie Bradshaw, but...
View ArticleI Am The Gatekeeper, But He is the Keymaster
On Saturday morning, out of the blue, Sam ganked a set of keys from the coffee table and set about making his escape. Apparently, the last 16 months have not been, as I assumed, a beautiful and...
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Top of the Heap: An Imagined Conversation With One of My Spam Emails
LinkedIn: Una! CONGRATULATIONS!! You have one of the top 10% most viewed LinkedIn profiles for 2012!!!Me: OMG. What?! I don't think I even know anyone who actually uses LinkedIn. I'm pretty sure last...
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The 7 Deadly Sins of DIY Bangs
Look, we've all been there.Picture this: It's a weekend afternoon. Your parents/roommate/spouse/children are out doing something productive, and you are sweat-stuck to the couch, wearing a top OR pants...
View ArticleCall for Camp Submissions!
Apologies for the super quick post--Sam and I are in San Francisco for the week--but do any of you guys have old summer camp photos and/or videos you'd be willing to let me use to make a book...
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Patronizing People, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Nicole...
I was in a cab coming back from the airport on Friday night, watching the thirty second loop of stupid cab "news" on the TV screen because Jeff wasn't there to sigh heavily and turn it off (after...
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Say It Ain't Flo
Guess what I haven't done in over two years?If you guessed "squats on purpose" or "gone to the dentist," you're also right but those aren't the answers I'm looking for.I won't give you the explicit...
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