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Off the Rails
A silent film starring a mother, a toddler, a Northeast Regional Direct, and crappy, low-light iPhone photos. (Note to potential investors: I'm still finessing the tag line.)FIN.(But seriously, WTF is...
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10 Fail-Proof New Year's Resolutions
1. Wake up hungover on January 1st and immediately ruin your planned juice cleanse with a Denny’s Grand Slam.2. Continue to write previous year on checks through October.3. Unsuccessfully attempt to...
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The Most Important Frosted Mini Donut Taste-Test Of All Time (Also Possibly...
Well, hellooooo, friends who succumbed to my insane social media pressure to click on this link. Since I've been AWOL since late December, I don't expect that many people are refreshing the ol' SaCu...
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Brief But Important Lessons From the 2014 Oscars
1. Formal Khaki is the New BlackI am admittedly biased, because "white person flesh" is my least favorite Crayola shade, but here's a new party game: See if you can distinguish Angelina Jolie from a...
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How to Wish Someone a Happy Birthday on Facebook and (Maybe) Not Sound Like a...
Disclaimer: I wrote this a few years ago, but since my birthday is coming up next week, and I've been riddled with guilt from not wishing OTHERS a happy birthday on Facebook, it's been on my mind.Once...
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Patty Chang Anker on Her Nervy Creative Process #MyWritingProcess Blog Tour
I'm so excited to be a part of this month's #MyWritingProcess Blog Tour, where writers from across genres and continents talk about how they write. Today I'm featuring the incredible Patty Chang Anker,...
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My Writing Process--Not That You Asked!
Last week I featured Patty Chang Anker on the #MyWritingProcess blog tour, and now it's my turn! Gird your loins and grab some Tootsie Rolls. This will be only semi-educational, I promise.What am I...
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Celebrity Autobiographies That Need to Exist for the Good of Humanity
Bacon Bits, by Kevin BaconI mean, duh. This is a no-brainer, like Geiss Cubes from 30 Rock.Woah is Me: Blossom-ing Out of My Shell, by Joey LawrenceAm I the only one waiting for this? You know what,...
View ArticleLIKE NO OTHER news: McNally Jackson event and signing July 24!
Hi guys,My latest YA novel (which just got a starred review in Publisher's Weekly, something I'm pretty sure would have been impossible for my mom to plant) comes out July 24, and to celebrate, I'll be...
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Pub Day!
They say the Facebook posts explode on pub day...They say there's desperation in the air...But when you refresh AmazonAnd your book's not at number one*Frustration sets right in and you're...
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My Writing Process, Expressed in 37 Gifs
On good days, I'm all,So then I take a few hoursdays months off to rest.But on bad days, I'm like,And I resort to desperate measures.One day,The next day,One day,The next day,One day,The next day,Most...
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A Letter From My Hair, Re: Live Readings and Other Public Appearances
Because I now occasionally appear in public for reasons other than to purchase toilet paper and expired generic fig bars from the Korean grocery store near my house, my hair and I decided it was time...
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A-holes on a Train
Amtrak is many things. It is expensive. It is usually late. It is pretty much the only option if you wish to travel in the Northeast by rail and also not be accosted by drunk people on their way back...
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Hall to the Ween
I'm not a big Halloween person. Even though it's a holiday that celebrates candy, my favorite food group, I don't particularly like going out of the house in costume. Yes, I live in New York, where...
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My Fupa, Myself
Whenever possible, I like to post my holiday roundups at least a week later when no one cares.Or, maybe I just didn't want anyone to see my Fupa.You see, "Fupa"--in addition to being the acronym for...
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We Need To Talk About DJ Lance... And Other Petty But Very Specific...
Watch enough TV with a young child and a few troubling lifestyle changes will occur.First, you will learn all of the words to all of the songs, indelibly and against your will. You’ll find yourself...
View ArticleStop Trying to Make New Year's Happen! It's Not Going to Happen!
Ah, New Year's. So full of hype designed to make us ring in midnight feeling strangely empty despite the gallon of cheap champagne we have literally just consumed through a spangled funnel.I've always...
View ArticleAn Ode to Funny Women (or, My Fey-kspearean Sonnet)
Shall I compare thee to a Tina Fey?Thou art quite funny, though not as talented.Or perhaps you’d rather I say Mindy K.?Whose one-liners reflect your lowbrow taste...Miss Dunham’s brilliance seems...
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National Lampoon's Puerto Rican Vacation
So I'm going on vacation tomorrow. We all are, but it's really Jeff's vacation--because fall is his busiest season, by the time Christmas rolls around he's like 68% dead inside and at least 89% dead...
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Continuing Ed For the Post-College Decades
17th Grade (Ages 22-23) Electives:4 Tax Exemptions: Trying Not To Screw YourselfDividing Utilities Between Seven Roommates, One of Whom Is Unemployed And Runs The A/C All Day: Math For The Post-College...
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5 Reasons Indie Bookstores Rock My World More Than a Dancing Paul Rudd Gif
Hi, guys! Today, I read the following essay live at Brooklyn's BookCourt in celebration of Independent Bookstore Day, and thought I'd publish it here, too. YAY BOOKS!Yeah, I know--that's not...
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Adult Curse Word Coloring Book Giveaway!
A few months ago, I ordered a coloring book from Amazon. I had been reluctant to hop on the "adult coloring" bandwagon, mostly because my "adult" method of stress relief usually involves a...
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Pre-Order YOU IN FIVE ACTS and Hillary Wins! Or You Get Another Book. Anyway,...
OK, fine, I may have exaggerated. My new book, YOU IN FIVE ACTS (out November 1!) has nothing to do with the upcoming election. Hillary has no idea who I am, and neither does Trump... unless he...
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Nine
I left Lilly Tomlin in because we don't have a pet, and sometimes I pretend she's my mom.Today, Jeff and I have been married nine years.[Hold for applause.]Just kidding. I mean, that's kind of...
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