OK, fine, I may have exaggerated.
My new book, YOU IN FIVE ACTS (out November 1!) has nothing to do with the upcoming election. Hillary has no idea who I am, and neither does Trump... unless he stumbled across my 2012 Open Letter to Racists while furiously self-Googling in the unholy dungeon full of discarded clown wigs and Doritos fragments that I am convinced he sleeps in, and draws his frightening power from.
(I am not voting for Trump.)
But I am humbly asking that you pre-order my upcoming novel, YOU IN FIVE ACTS, regardless of your political leanings.
I realize this is a big ask--it's at least $14, in hardcover, depending on where you order from... and you don't even know if it's good yet! Sometimes I order a lot of take-out to meet the delivery minimum because the idea of using my legs for walking or my voice for human contact seems like too much work, and if I don't like the food I am very disappointed! I mean, I still eat it--all--but with an angry face, like this:
Anyway, my point is, you are taking a risk, much like Amelie when she decided to gaslight that dick of a grocer.
So. Here are some things that might convince you that the book is OK:
1. THIS GREAT BLURB!
"Una LaMarche perfectly captures the competitive, high-stakes atmosphere of professional-track ballet through the eyes of a refreshingly strong protagonist who you can't help but root for. I loved it from beginning to end."
"Una LaMarche perfectly captures the competitive, high-stakes atmosphere of professional-track ballet through the eyes of a refreshingly strong protagonist who you can't help but root for. I loved it from beginning to end."
-Sophie Flack, author of Bunheads
2. THIS KIRKUS REVIEW:
(Highlights mine)
"Five teenagers live for their art in this coming-of-age story of achievement, ambition, and heartache. LaMarche's latest novel (Don't Fail Me Now, 2015, etc.), which chronicles the tribulations of a group of friends in their senior year at a prestigious New York arts conservatory, is a pleasing mix of Fame and Gossip Girl. Each character narrates a section, addressing it to the titular "you," who changes depending on the narrator: Joy, the black ballerina and a passionate perfectionist terrified of failure; Liv, a Puerto Rican actress whose party-girl ways have tragic consequences; Ethan, the nerdy, white Russian immigrant's son, a playwright with Broadway ambitions; Dave, a white teen celebrity desperate for a fresh start away from his mistakes in LA; and Diego, a Latino dancer for whom ballet is a ticket to a better life. The author knows her subject matter well, and she effectively captures the essence of teenagerhood, from the hormones and the slang to the heartbreak and paralyzing self-doubt.As in a Shakespeare play, everyone is in love with the wrong person, and it takes most of the novel and some dramatic events for everyone's feelings to be sorted out correctly. Of the five storylines, Joy's—in which she copes with body shaming and other indignities that have kept the rarefied world of ballet largely off-limits to black women—is the most compelling. Given the current political climate, the characters' struggles with the white establishment create a poignant and timely socially conscious narrative."
3. THE BOOK'S FIRST PAGE:
(Highlights mine)
"Five teenagers live for their art in this coming-of-age story of achievement, ambition, and heartache. LaMarche's latest novel (Don't Fail Me Now, 2015, etc.), which chronicles the tribulations of a group of friends in their senior year at a prestigious New York arts conservatory, is a pleasing mix of Fame and Gossip Girl. Each character narrates a section, addressing it to the titular "you," who changes depending on the narrator: Joy, the black ballerina and a passionate perfectionist terrified of failure; Liv, a Puerto Rican actress whose party-girl ways have tragic consequences; Ethan, the nerdy, white Russian immigrant's son, a playwright with Broadway ambitions; Dave, a white teen celebrity desperate for a fresh start away from his mistakes in LA; and Diego, a Latino dancer for whom ballet is a ticket to a better life. The author knows her subject matter well, and she effectively captures the essence of teenagerhood, from the hormones and the slang to the heartbreak and paralyzing self-doubt.As in a Shakespeare play, everyone is in love with the wrong person, and it takes most of the novel and some dramatic events for everyone's feelings to be sorted out correctly. Of the five storylines, Joy's—in which she copes with body shaming and other indignities that have kept the rarefied world of ballet largely off-limits to black women—is the most compelling. Given the current political climate, the characters' struggles with the white establishment create a poignant and timely socially conscious narrative."
3. THE BOOK'S FIRST PAGE:
So mysterious! WHAT HAPPENED? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FIND OUT????
Well, you could ask me, and I will spoil it for you--for free!--if I've been drinking.
Or you could pre-order it from Barnes & Noble, Amazon, iBooks, or your local independent bookseller (you have to use your legs and/or voice for that option, which is why I listed it last even though I love independent bookstores more than I love a dancing Paul Rudd gif!)
Why pre-order instead of getting it when it comes out? Well, pre-ordering helps show booksellers that there is some excitement/demand for the book, which might mean they order more copies, or display it someplace prominent, like next to other exciting new YA books, or maybe by Donald Trump's upcoming memoir, Why is My Sphincter Where My Mouth Should Be?
Well, you could ask me, and I will spoil it for you--for free!--if I've been drinking.
Or you could pre-order it from Barnes & Noble, Amazon, iBooks, or your local independent bookseller (you have to use your legs and/or voice for that option, which is why I listed it last even though I love independent bookstores more than I love a dancing Paul Rudd gif!)
Why pre-order instead of getting it when it comes out? Well, pre-ordering helps show booksellers that there is some excitement/demand for the book, which might mean they order more copies, or display it someplace prominent, like next to other exciting new YA books, or maybe by Donald Trump's upcoming memoir, Why is My Sphincter Where My Mouth Should Be?
(OMG please vote. I cannot stress how important it is that we all vote in this election.)
OK, HERE'S THE INCENTIVE PART:
If you pre-order You in Five Acts, I'll send you a second book or audiobook of mine--signed, sealed, delivered. No matter where you live, as long as it's on Earth. (If you have already pre-ordered, you are still eligible!)
I currently have 50 of my own books taking up space on my shelves. It makes me look like a real asshole when I have guests. So please, take them off my hands.
Here are the choices:
FIVE SUMMERS, hardcover: 7
FIVE SUMMERS, paperback: 13
FIVE SUMMERS, audiobook on CD: 1
LIKE NO OTHER, galley paperback: 3
LIKE NO OTHER, official paperback: 3
LIKE NO OTHER, audiobook on CD: 1
UNABROW, paperback: 5
DON'T FAIL ME NOW, paperback: 13
DON'T FAIL ME NOW, audiobook on CD: 4
Here's how you get one:
Email me at unawrites@gmail.com. Email should include:
- Proof of pre-order for YOU IN FIVE ACTS (you can forward your receipt from an online store, or attach a screen grab or other receipt). Must be dated October 31, 2016 or earlier.
- Top 3 choices for which book/audiobook you want (first come, first served--if none of your top 3 choices are available I'll let you know; otherwise it'll be a surprise when you open the package!)
If somehow I get more than 50 responses I'll start giving away other books by more popular authors, but signed by me. Which might be illegal. Let's find out!