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Pub Day!
They say the Facebook posts explode on pub day...They say there's desperation in the air...But when you refresh AmazonAnd your book's not at number one*Frustration sets right in and you're...
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My Writing Process, Expressed in 37 Gifs
On good days, I'm all,So then I take a few hoursdays months off to rest.But on bad days, I'm like,And I resort to desperate measures.One day,The next day,One day,The next day,One day,The next day,Most...
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A Letter From My Hair, Re: Live Readings and Other Public Appearances
Because I now occasionally appear in public for reasons other than to purchase toilet paper and expired generic fig bars from the Korean grocery store near my house, my hair and I decided it was time...
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A-holes on a Train
Amtrak is many things. It is expensive. It is usually late. It is pretty much the only option if you wish to travel in the Northeast by rail and also not be accosted by drunk people on their way back...
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Hall to the Ween
I'm not a big Halloween person. Even though it's a holiday that celebrates candy, my favorite food group, I don't particularly like going out of the house in costume. Yes, I live in New York, where...
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My Fupa, Myself
Whenever possible, I like to post my holiday roundups at least a week later when no one cares.Or, maybe I just didn't want anyone to see my Fupa.You see, "Fupa"--in addition to being the acronym for...
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We Need To Talk About DJ Lance... And Other Petty But Very Specific...
Watch enough TV with a young child and a few troubling lifestyle changes will occur.First, you will learn all of the words to all of the songs, indelibly and against your will. You’ll find yourself...
View ArticleStop Trying to Make New Year's Happen! It's Not Going to Happen!
Ah, New Year's. So full of hype designed to make us ring in midnight feeling strangely empty despite the gallon of cheap champagne we have literally just consumed through a spangled funnel.I've always...
View ArticleAn Ode to Funny Women (or, My Fey-kspearean Sonnet)
Shall I compare thee to a Tina Fey?Thou art quite funny, though not as talented.Or perhaps you’d rather I say Mindy K.?Whose one-liners reflect your lowbrow taste...Miss Dunham’s brilliance seems...
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National Lampoon's Puerto Rican Vacation
So I'm going on vacation tomorrow. We all are, but it's really Jeff's vacation--because fall is his busiest season, by the time Christmas rolls around he's like 68% dead inside and at least 89% dead...
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Continuing Ed For the Post-College Decades
17th Grade (Ages 22-23) Electives:4 Tax Exemptions: Trying Not To Screw YourselfDividing Utilities Between Seven Roommates, One of Whom Is Unemployed And Runs The A/C All Day: Math For The Post-College...
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5 Reasons Indie Bookstores Rock My World More Than a Dancing Paul Rudd Gif
Hi, guys! Today, I read the following essay live at Brooklyn's BookCourt in celebration of Independent Bookstore Day, and thought I'd publish it here, too. YAY BOOKS!Yeah, I know--that's not...
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Adult Curse Word Coloring Book Giveaway!
A few months ago, I ordered a coloring book from Amazon. I had been reluctant to hop on the "adult coloring" bandwagon, mostly because my "adult" method of stress relief usually involves a...
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Pre-Order YOU IN FIVE ACTS and Hillary Wins! Or You Get Another Book. Anyway,...
OK, fine, I may have exaggerated. My new book, YOU IN FIVE ACTS (out November 1!) has nothing to do with the upcoming election. Hillary has no idea who I am, and neither does Trump... unless he...
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Nine
I left Lilly Tomlin in because we don't have a pet, and sometimes I pretend she's my mom.Today, Jeff and I have been married nine years.[Hold for applause.]Just kidding. I mean, that's kind of...
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